"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

Dear nobody in particular,

It's been
almost 7 years,
almost 84 months,
almost 30,660 days,
almost 735,840 hours,
almost 44,150,400 minutes,
almost 2,649,024,000 seconds.

I think about her at least twice a year.
Sometimes more.

Before, I wondered if she was
out on the street somewhere.
doing well for herself.
safe.

After
almost 7 years,
almost 84 months,
almost 30,660 days,
almost 735,840 hours,
almost 44,150,400 minutes,
almost 2,649,024,000 seconds
of nothing, I saw her.

She was okay.

Despite
almost 7 years,
almost 84 months,
almost 30,660 days,
almost 735,840 hours,
almost 44,150,400 minutes,
almost 2,649,024,000 seconds,
I still knew who she was
And she knew who I was
...although none of us would admit to it.

When she was happy, her eyes would sparkle.
When she saw me, her eyes sparkled.

When she was younger, I taught her to treat people well.
When I saw her, she was treating people well.

When we were together, there was electricity between us.
When I saw her, there was electricity between us.

The feelings are still there, because they never ended.

There was no
violent fight
intense argument
"let's just be friends"
animosity.

We just drifted.

Our relationship had no official end.
In fact, it never really ended.

And it seems that the feelings never ended either, for both of us.

I used to think about her and wonder where she was.
And now I know.

I missed her.

\end

"In communications, familiarity breeds apathy."

Dear nobody in particular,

Sometimes, the more I get to know myself, the more I
realize my shortcomings.
wonder what the hell I'm doing.
question my life choices.
regret my past.
hate myself.

I tend to fail at a lot of stuff.

I worry
I wonder
I stress over
I ponder
I question
my future.

I tend to fail at the future.

And then I ask myself why
Because most of the time
I don't give a damn what happens to me.

This is not a death wish.

This is just apathy.

But I tend to fail at that too.

I play in traffic, but
Traffic won't play with me.

I challenge authority, but
Authority won't challenge me.

I try to flee with my sins, but
My sins won't flee with me.

I abandon my past, but
My past won't abandon me.

I leave my life behind, but
My life won't leave me.

This is really fucked up. But who cares.

/end

"Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train."

Dear nobody in particular,

10 is a metric number.
10 is the number of
fingers I have.
years in a decade.
days left for me in this country.

When I got here, I had 365 days.
365 is such a stupid number.
I can imagine 365 as a child being bullied by the "10" kids.

Look
Look
Look at that loser.

He's not even metric.
Let's kick his ass.
Let's bash his head in.
Let's twist his nipples.
Let's give him a metric wedgie from hell.

But I digress.

I'm out of here in a nice 10 days.

But I wonder if it's better to be somewhere other than here.

How much time would I have at home before I felt sick of it?
10 years?
10 months?
10 days?
10 hours?

I wonder.

/end

"In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry."

Dear nobody in particular,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for
being the son who never lived up the expectations.
being the black sheep of the family.
being an embarrassment to everyone.
being a horrible human being.
being a waste of your time and dedication in raising me.
existing.

You deserve better than me.
Allegedly, the third time's the charm.

I'm sorry.

Everyone was right all along.
I'm not good at
being a smart student.
being a smart person.
being productive.
being useful.
being someone you can be proud of.
being a human being.
anything.

I'm sorry.

Every time you see my siblings, you see
success.
money.
healthy lives.
hope.

Every time you see me, you see
...
...
...
...
...
???

Sorry.

Thank you for tolerating me for so long.

Sorry.

/end

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."

Dear nobody in particular,

Talent.
Skill.
Usefulness.

I have none.

What the hell?

/end

"The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams."

Dear nobody in particular,

They don't trust me,
So I can't tell them.

I don't trust them,
So I can't tell them.

Will they
stop loving me?
blow up on me?
disown me?
not want me anymore?

Will I
hurt them?
destroy them?
ruin the family forever?
make them think they did something wrong?

I don't trust
that they will accept me.
that they will still love me.
that they will still believe in me.

They don't trust
that I have potential.
that I am able to flourish.
that I can do anything worthwhile.

There is no trust.
Trust needs hope.
There is no hope.
Hope needs trust.

As long as this wall of distrust is here,
Nothing important can pass through without
being scrutinzed.
being inspected by both sides.
being considered for a long time.

This is my Berlin Wall.

/end

"Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversation."

Dear nobody in particular,

Short vacations are an escape.

Longer vacations are an oasis.

Long vacations are torture.

For short vacations, you
get to relax
get to have fun
get to escape everyday monotony
before heading back to reality.

For longer vacations, you
get to take your time
get to plan things out
get to see everything
get to escape the rush of short vacations
before heading back to reality.

For long vacations, you
get all the time in the world
get to do everything you wanted to do
get to see everything
get to get bored
get to feel like you *NEED* to go out every day
get to feel the effects of the seemingly non-stop vacation
before heading back to reality.

I don't know which sucks more
Time or reality.

/end